The Dawning Day
by whitelilly0989
Summary: For another inexplicable reason, he found himself studying this girl, her movements, her voice, her words, her smile… not in an endearing way, but in an intriguing way that did nothing but make him mad..." A Ryan And Taylor Story.
1. How To Save A Life

**Author's Note: **_So this is another story I found myself writing this weekend after being sick. I got the idea a long time ago from a challenge someone wrote... but I changed a lot of stuff so it's not based on the challenge itself. To be completely honest, I'm basically uploading this to see people's reaction because I'm super nervous about this. lol. I don't know if I'm keeping this a one-shot, if this is gonna be a multichapter, of if I'm gonna do a sequel in the future... I don't know... it all depends. So please, I normally beg for reviews (lol), but for this story, please please give me your honest feedback because I really need to know if I did this right. _

_Rant over... scroll away. _

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"_**The Dawning Da**__**y"**_

_Every Endless night…__ has a dawning day…_

**_"How To Save A Life"_**

A long sigh escaped his body while he sat in the driver's seat of the car; his eyes lost, staring out to nowhere and everywhere all at the same time. He couldn't remember a moment when it had been different, or a moment when he hadn't felt like that. That feeling of being out of place, of not belonging, of living but not being alive, but at the same time being tremendously aware of the reality surrounding him, that state of alert somewhere in the back of his head called instinct… because that was merely all it was: an instinct… an unconscious fight to stay afloat because he simply _had_ to.

He blinked twice briefly, and like a ghost, there she was. He wasn't even surprised anymore of seeing her in every trace of darkness his eyes fell into, and he had long since stopped fighting the urge to close his eyes. God only knew where he'd be if he'd let his insomnia after the first six months of her death win him over just because he was afraid of day-dreaming about her.

At first, whenever he got the chance to close his eyes in plain daylight, he would see her standing there, her tall frame barely distinguishable in between the shadows surrounding her, shadows he assumed were all the burdens she'd taken with her because he hadn't learned how to save her from them; her dark blonde hair not swirling with the wind as it had been in real life whenever they'd walked the beaches of Berkeley or Newport together, but completely immobile, as if making a statement to let him know for sure she was dead and gone from his grasp, and last but not least; definitely not least because it was the one thing that actually looked alive in between the haunting musings, were her big sappy blue eyes… shining icy and cold, staring back at him as if asking _"Why didn't you? How could you?"_

And he would immediately open his eyes.

Of course, with the cruelness of time and the obligation to be alive every morning, he'd learned how to survive with her memory haunting him around every corner, invading his dreams occasionally to ask the same insistent questions her eyes pleaded since the moment she drew her last breath… he'd learn to survive with the aching feeling of not wanting to live at all.

Sometimes, in moments of complete vagueness like now, he would even _dare_ to ask himself why he was still here roaming the world if he'd died with Marissa that night a year and a half ago. If he'd felt himself go just as her soul drifted from her body and went away…why was he still breathing when he clearly didn't deserve it, when he'd let her go without a fight, without a second question, without a tear, without a cry…

Without even loving her like he was meant to.

As the warm rays of sun began washing every surface, the clouds moving with the wind, coming from where they wanted and meshing with the vast blue sky, a sound… small and defenseless sound came from behind him, from the back seat of the car, he turned his head to see… and he found his reason why.

She was playing with a teddy bear, her prominent cheeks filled with air as she opened her little mouth only to close it again repeatedly. Her eyes focused on the brown furry animal catching all of her attention and her brows furrowed in a deep expression that almost looked like madness, like annoyance, or… like she was over-analyzing the toy. He smiled one of his few genuine smiles of the day as he watched her pretty little face, a few rays of sun making her shiny blonde hair seem like gold and her rosy ivory skin seem like marble, almost forgetting she wasn't a grown up, just for the way she was over-brooding because of Mr. Bear.

Sometimes he'd forget Bethany was only 18-months-old because of her expressions; but as the little angel finally looked up to see him, and her big sappy blue eyes clashed with his for the quickest of seconds, before she found the bear way more interesting again, he knew he'd never be able to forget she was _her_ daughter…

Their daughter.

As he made sure Bethany was safely buckled in her car seat and turned around to leave the driveway, his mind began wandering down the same haunted memory lane it traveled every morning as he went to work. It was impossible to look into those innocent baby blue eyes and not go back to how it all had started and at the same time wonder if things could've gone differently if Marissa had gone to Greece like she was supposed to, on graduation night when they were 18.

Even today, he wasn't sure of why he'd asked her to stay just when she was about to get on to the plane. Maybe it was because she was the first person he'd met in this Newport World that had changed his life, maybe it was because his heart couldn't bare to say goodbye to the only person which, for good or for worse, had accepted him, no questions asked the night he arrived. Maybe it was even because he loved her in a way, and even when he knew that love would never be more than it already had been because they never seemed to be enough for one another, it was just hard, too hard.

It was too hard to let go.

It didn't matter the reasons now, it only mattered the facts, and those things you couldn't change no matter how hard you'd try. He'd asked her to stay and without another word, without another question, she'd stayed…

It had been so simple; in fact, it was perhaps the simplest moment in their entire history, considering everything they'd gone through. For once, right there, 6 years back in the past, there were no psychos, no rape attempts, no shootings, no lesbian girlfriends, no surfer wannabe's meddling in, no drugs, no alcohol, no karma, no "it's meant to be, it's not meant to be" mantras, just them…

Just the two of them, much like that night back in the driveway; but from then on, the warm air of simplicity had faded away. And the worst thing was that he knew.

He knew the moment wouldn't last.

They drove back home in silence, as if nothing had changed, but they both knew, or at least he knew, things had changed with that mere act of selfishness, because he'd been selfish, and the second he'd gotten into the car to go back home, in some ways, was when this guilt trip he felt going to work every morning had began its never-ending existence.

He knew even back then that their fates weren't meant to be shared together, he knew that as much as she'd been the beautiful and wonderful sweet wounded girl he'd met when he'd been sixteen, that was not who she was right now, and if she'd ever go back to being that girl, it would have to be far away from him because they had the tendency of tying each other up to a past that was just too cold to keep reliving. He knew… and sometimes, he'd like to think she knew that too. He'd liked to think that's why she was going to Greece in the first place… but still, it'd been just sooo goddamn hard to let go.

It had been like he needed her in his life. He didn't know why to be honest, it wasn't love, at least not romantic love anymore, but it was a type of dependence. It was as if he needed her to be there because he was afraid that if he didn't have someone to save, he would end up lost for good between the masses. In some twisted way, he saw her as his anchor, as his constant in the math equation that was his life.

So he didn't matter when they started Berkeley together that fall.

He knew that made him a horrible person, to keep being attached to someone just because he was seeking the balance that person could offer him, but he tried not to pay much attention to that because she seemed to view him like that too. If there was someone in his life he knew, it was Marissa, and just looking at those sappy blue eyes he knew she saw him as her splintered saving mast. It'd always been that way to be honest. In between the love they'd felt for short amounts of time during all their life, she'd mostly viewed him as the guy who would be there if she screwed up. He was the guy who would save her in a frat party in case a guy tried to make a pass at her, and she was the girl who would pretend to be his girlfriend in case a skank got too clingy. Even when, like usual, he always kept doing more of the saving because of her impetuous drama-holic ways; it was mutual symbiosis… nothing more than two people surviving together.

But still, he knew it was selfish, to keep having her in his life just for the balance, not letting her grow up and in some ways, not allowing himself to grow up either. He knew it'd been selfish and just round about disastrous when they'd slept together on a drunken night.

Even in between the sloppy kisses, the smell of sweat and the taste of liquor he felt as her tongue collided with his in between the haze and the darkness; even when he stumbled on his steps and pushed their bodies inside her room more than two years ago, he knew it wasn't healthy. He'd known it wasn't healthy for her or for him to keep being attached all the while kidding themselves, thinking that just because they couldn't _dare_ to admit they were each other's cane to walk through life, they _had_ to have something more than that… that they _had_ to be in love, that they _had_ to be meant for each other…

When it clearly wasn't true.

The guilt-trip that had started that day driving back from her almost year in Greece, picked up a notch when he got out from her room the next morning, the awkwardness between them being as thick as humanly possible; but what struck him the most was her face, her face revealing the color of realization dawning in her features, showing off the shame of what they'd done the night before and how it would affect their dynamic in the future, her expression demonstrating that she knew now this wasn't love, this could never ever be love, and her eyes… her big sappy blue eyes repeating the same insistent questions he saw when her memory flooded his dreams: _"Why didn't you love me? How could you?"_

He'd known the simplicity would never last between them. There was too much history to just pretend they could be… normal or not be a natural disaster, but still, they just picked up her clothes in silence, up until the moment where she only said _"Ryan?"_ he looked up to see her, and she murmured _"never again"_. At that moment he wasn't sure what she'd meant exactly. If never again she'd let him use her like that, if she was gonna move away from his life completely because she'd finally seen he was an ass for just not letting her go; but later on he was able to finally know what she meant: _she_ would never use him like that again, _she_ would never ask more from him than he should give, _she_ would never require him to save her like that.

She made sure of telling him all of that; two months later, when she dropped the bomb, saying she was pregnant.

And the guilt trip kept getting bigger.

Who was he? Was he the guy who knocked up a girl and then left her on her own luck like that? Was he the guy who used the girl just because he needed what? The sex? The connection? The stability? And then just stayed up watching the consequences pass him by? No.

That's why he kept on telling her he wanted to be there for her, he even vaguely remembered telling her he wanted to marry her and have a family with her, but she said no. She told him she knew what he was doing; he was over compensating for a mistake he thought he'd made, when in reality she'd made it too… and to be honest she didn't want him to be with her just like he'd been with Theresa, she said she knew how that pain had felt once, and it had been enough.

The months that succeeded that last conversation had been like a torture for him. He'd sworn himself he'd be a better parent than the one's he'd had, or the one's she'd had for that matter. But she wouldn't let him approach her with any love declarations or intentions of trying to make an official relationship with her. And somewhere, he'd stopped fighting back.

Somewhere, he'd stopped trying to save her.

It had been that kinda attitude from her, that kinda distance, like the one they should've had if he hadn't asked her to stay, that had made him finally see they needed to grow up. Granted, their kid wouldn't grow up in the best of circumstances, but at least that baby wouldn't grow up in a self-destructive household. It was then when he fully understood what she'd meant: she would never need him to save her again, because soon, they would both have another human being to save, a defenseless child to protect, and to love… even if they didn't love each other like the text books said.

It wasn't that he didn't care about Marissa, he did, there was just that deal of mixing "care" for "love" the one that had them both so screwed up, trying to find a life now that didn't revolve around them trying to force ties between each other just because they'd happened to have a few moments of happiness once upon a time.

It was ironic; it took them both to have a link, a tie, a life in common, for both of them to move on.

So he'd stopped fighting back, he'd stopped forcing a way into her life, he'd stopped forcing himself to believe he was in love with her, he'd stopped trying to save something that just wasn't there… anymore.

With time, she softened her wall against him, just enough to let him be part of her pregnancy. She would let him drive her to the doctor's and back to the Campus, she would talk to him like a friend would, and by her second trimester, they would even bounce names they'd like to name the baby. For him it was Zoey for a girl and James for a boy… and for her it was Bethany for a girl, and Aidan for a boy. They'd never reached a compromise about the names, and it had ,perhaps, been the first time where they had agreed to disagree as the 22-year-old grown ups they were supposed to be. It felt good… and nostalgic in a way…

Because that would be the first and only step they'd take into moving on, together…

He turned the car around the corner and the sun was now shining directly into the windshield, almost blinding him, just like the confusion and the shock had that night, her graduation night in Berkeley.

No one would ever understand why she went into premature labor, having still a month and a half to go, no one would ever know why there were so many complications, or why she started bleeding to death… or why, just when she was doing so great, just when she was redeeming herself, when she was redeeming _him_, the date of their daughter's birth, she became the death of the day.

And he'd been there. He'd held her face and her shoulders against the skin over his heart when her chest rose for the last time.

It was funny, she was the first person he'd met there, and he was the last person she saw with those big sappy blue eyes that still, to him, said the same two insistent, unanswered questions they'd said seven and a half months before.

As the car kept on going down the same road he took every morning to go to work, the same void, the same guilt and feeling of being lost cut deep through him.

He'd known, probably the whole time, their fates weren't meant to be shared together; after all, he'd been the one to tell her that at the very beginning of their relationship: "we're from different worlds". Perhaps in some way he'd tried to defy fate and all its rules, by holding on to her… but he'd never expected she'd be robbed from him, from their precious little innocent and fragile baby girl…

From his Bethany.

"_Bethany Kirsten Atwood"_ he murmured her name, and as if the baby girl had listened, she began giggling that soft and melodic sound that always managed to ease his pain. At least now anyway.

The moment it sunk in for him that the only constant presence, for better or for worse, in his life had died, that her big blue eyes had closed with the same expression he'd caused because of his selfishness, because of his attachment, without him even being able to give her the one thing he owed her, without him even being able to let her move on because of his dependence, he felt he was better off dead with her.

He didn't cry, he didn't choke, he didn't fall apart, he didn't fight for her even when it had been for their child's sake, he didn't do anything… just like he hadn't done anything good for her, aside from giving her more complicated issues, when she'd been alive. He just left the hospital, without even going to see his daughter fighting for _her_ life on an incubator, without even daring to be there for her, without even daring to see if she looked like her mother, without even wanting to care for her as much as he already did. He just went away… losing himself in the masses because he didn't have anyone to save right now…

Other than himself.

It was easier, to wander about trying to forget everything, trying to pretend none of this had been his fault when he knew better than that; but soon enough, after Summer found him looking at the door of what used to be Marissa's room on campus and talked him into going to see his daughter and leave "Coop" to her, he dared to face the baby who would be his one and only "reason why" now.

And the second he saw her, her little body all caught up on cables and her fragile breathing shallow and forced, he felt his heart rate drop a few beats, and his breath catch in his throat. She was so tiny, and she looked so breakable… and she was his. He remembered swallowing hard, and looking at her through the window until his vision got blurred and the tears began pouring down his face. Flashbacks to how cold and lifeless Marissa had felt in his arms just hours before began replaying in his mind as sweet torture, and fear… fear that his daughter would run the same luck, and that just like her mom, she would never open her eyes and he would never see that icy shade of blue light up his life again.

But she made it… And those eyes were the only thing his daughter had that resembled Marissa completely. Her lips were his, everyone had told him that, and her blonde hair was his exact shade of sandy blonde. It was those eyes… those big sappy blue eyes that turned a few shades darker when she began brooding in her own little way, the ones that haunted him now…

The ones that would never stop asking _"Why didn't you? How could you?"_

It wasn't that he thought Marissa had in some way reincarnated her issues with him through their child, it was the fact that he knew someday, Bethany would ask about her mom, someday, the innocence of the baby playing in the backseat with a teddy bear would wear off and she would begin asking what happened with the woman who brought her to this Earth; someday she would ask how much he'd loved her, and someday, he would have to answer he didn't…

At least not like the text books said.

Someday, the same insistent questions her mom asked through her eyes the day after her conception would be the same questions he'd see whenever Bethany would look at him.

Both the memory of Marissa and the things he couldn't change now, and the anticipation of the future he knew was coming with the one thing that redeemed his life a little, haunted him… He loved his daughter with a passion he'd never felt for anyone… and if he would have the choice of going through the same hell he'd gone through for the past 18 months since both her death and his daughter's birth because of all his inner cage fights, he would, just for the sake of seeing her through the rearview mirror with her brows furrowed looking at a bear upside down.

He'd told himself every morning in the car ride that Bethany was his reason to be awake because she was the one soul that needed his saving now, but truth was, she'd been the one to save him. God only knew where he'd be if she hadn't been born, God only knew how he would be if he hadn't forced himself to sleep and face his dreams whenever he could because he _had_ to in order to deal with Bethany's cries when the sun wasn't even up yet. God only knew if he would've been able to survive without a purpose.

But still, it didn't stop him from being dead amongst the living and being out of place.

This endless night didn't seem to end.

When he finally parked the car in front of the architecture firm he worked in, he sighed one last time as his routine called for, before unbuckling his seat belt and getting out of the car to take out Bethany. He opened the back door and took a deep breath when the little girl just looked at him and smiled. Sometimes, he liked to think she knew what he was thinking and flashed him a smile to get him through the day, sometimes, he liked to think she just did it because he was her "dada" and the only person who made her smile like that, sometimes, he liked to think she did it just so he would get her out of the car seat, which he gladly did every morning after she locked eyes with him and stretched her arms as far as they could go for him to take her in his.

"_Here we go…"_ he mumbled once he picked her up on his hip and took out her bag from the car. _"We're taking you to day care…"_

Kirsten had offered to take care of Bethany while he worked, even Julie had, but he was so attached to his daughter now, he needed to have her in the same building all day long. He'd sworn himself short after she'd been born that he would protect her from anything, and in order to fulfill that promise, he needed her to be near him.

_He needed her near him. _

Luckily, the firm had two day care's, one on the second floor for kids from one to four years, and another one for older kids on the sixth floor; So he could go spend lunch hour with her and play around, or simply watch her whenever he found spare time.

It was one of his favorite parts of the day, when he got her out of the car, when he spent time with her during lunch, and when he would take her home…

It was precisely because of that, that when he felt a slender set of arms reaching out to grab Bethany from behind him, it didn't sit well with him.

"_What the…"_ he said already pissed off turning around as someone – a girl, a smiling girl – began picking up his daughter from his arms.

"_If it isn't my favorite little girl! Hey Bethany, hi!"_ the girl cooed to Bethany, who seemed to keep on smiling while this, stranger, began lifting her up in the air.

He wasn't sure why he didn't react immediately. For some weird reason that he couldn't fully comprehend, his eyes never strayed away from the picture playing in front of him. This girl, about his age, this girl he'd never seen before, lifting up his daughter in the air while her long auburn locks began swirling with her movement, much like how Marissa's locks had swished once upon a time. Even when he felt the stabbing pain of making that connection, he still couldn't move. This girl was all smiles and happiness while she mumbled nonsensical things in a baby language that Bethany seemed to approve of with the crazy amount of giggles she'd let out as she went up in the air, and back into the girl's arms. For another inexplicable reason, he found himself studying this girl, her movements, her voice, her words, her smile… not in an endearing way, but in an intriguing way that did nothing but make him mad.

How dare she? How dare she waltz into one of the few moments he had of true oblivion and happiness? How dare she just rob his precious little angel from his arms like that? Didn't she know he'd been already been robbed of one of the women that meant the most to him?

"_Hey!"_ he snarled and death cold, she stopped every movement, she even stopped smiling, and he only regretted it when he noticed Bethany had stopped smiling too. _"What the hell do you think you're doing? Who are you?"_

And by then, he gained back his ability to move and like a lightning, he stepped forward to where she was and practically snatched Bethany from her.

"_Oh hi!"_ and there it was, the same annoying smile and bubbly attitude he'd seen earlier. _"I guess you're Mr. Atwood…"_

"_You're damn right I'm Mr. Atwood! I'm her dad, now didn't you hear me? Who the hell are you?!"_

It amazed him to feel how Bethany's little body shook at the sound of his voice; much like the girl's reaction became as defenseless as Bethany's for just a split second before her demeanor changed, from scared to insulted, in the blink of an eye.

He looked deep into her hazel eyes – which he thanked were hazel for a reason he wasn't even willing to admit right now – and saw a spark of anger just underneath the surface, waiting to explode. For a brief moment he became the intimidated one and she became the menacing one, just because he was surprised there was someone out there who was willing to stare him down. His eyes never drifted from hers, him never willing to back down until she gave an answer and her willing to yell a bunch of stuff to him right there in the parking lot but something seemed to be holding her back.

He wondered what it was because he desperately needed to hear what this _stranger_ had to say. He studied her features once more and he saw her breathing calmly, not scared at all by whatever emotion his face should've been showing. How was it that she could be so controlled and calm, how had she gone from being so over the top happy to being this demon of rage waiting to be released? The whole scenario ignited a flame of curiosity in him that sent him toppling over the edge of madness again. How dare she make him feel something other than love for someone other than his daughter,? Especially since he'd never once seen this woman in his life.

He saw her take a big breath and he found himself anticipating what she might say… what kinda things she would yell at him for being such an ass, because let's face it, he was. He'd been an ass when he hadn't learned to let go of Marissa back in the past, when he'd run out on his daughter just because he'd been scared and he'd been a complete jackass less than a minute ago. Whatever the reason, there was no excuse to yell at a lady like that, especially if she hadn't been doing anything wrong, especially since they were in a public place with a lot of people staring at their encounter, including his mildly-shaking daughter.

And just when she opened her mouth to speak, a familiar face came in to the picture.

"_Oh My God, Ryan!"_ Ruth's voice, the head of Bethany's day care, began speaking out loud from a far distance while she came running _"I'm so sorry"_

Both his head and the girl's went straight to Ruth, who finally caught up to the scene, still trying to catch her breath.

"_Ruth, why are you apologizing?"_ the girl's voice sounded annoyed and still deeply insulted.

"_I'm sorry…"_ Ruth mumbled again much to the girl's confusion. _"I'll make sure she doesn't do anything like that again"_

"_It's ok…"_ Ryan stated as he kept on gazing at the girl which he found still staring into his eyes with a passion that screamed nothing but anger. _"Nothing to worry about"_ and he began walking to the building doors with Bethany's face on his shoulder, her icy blue eyes staring at the girl.

"_Gosh, rude much?"_ the girl hissed back to Ruth as she playfully slapped her on the arm _"and what's with the apologizing are you nuts? I was just about ready to wrench his head out of his ass and teach him some manners. Granted, I should've been more careful but he didn't need to go all overly-acted-drama-movie on me! And in front of the baby? I swear to God if he does it again I will-"_

"_I would let it slide if I were you"_ she was cut off by Ruth's voice staring into Ryan's back.

"_Again, are you nuts?"_ the girl exclaimed trying to make eye contact. _"Are you sure you're feeling well?"_

"_His wife died."_ Was the only sentence that lingered for a few seconds before Ruth cut it out again and said _"At least I think it was his wife, Bethany's mom I mean…"_

"_Oh My God…"_ the girl's voice came out as an ashamed whisper.

"_Yeah… because of Bethany's forms I figured it out. Her mom's name was Marissa Cooper, so I'm not sure if they were married or not…"_

"_Wait… Marissa Cooper?"_ the girl looked sideways at Ruth _"Any chance they're from Newport?"_

"_Yeah, why?"_ Ruth said intrigued.

"_Oh My God… he's the Cohen's kid from Chino…"_

"_Ok, sis, you're doing that thing where you talk to yourself, and I think you're gonna start bouncing from Spanish to French in a while so, before you freak me out, would you mind telling me what's going on?" _Ruth said as she glanced at her sister who began rambling quickly.

"_The year I moved to San Diego with dad and you guys, there was a kid who was adopted in Newport by a good family… and it was him, Oh My God it was him! I'll be right back!"_ and then the girl was off running trying to catch him inside the building until she finally did.

He was about to close the elevator doors when she slid her body quickly inside, all sweaty from running and trying to catch her breath for a second. As if having been intrigued by her before, hadn't been enough, now she was back to make his hell a little bigger?

How dare she?

"_Look, you probably don't remember me, in fact I didn't remember you when I saw you, just… my sister? Ruth?"_ she swallowed as she tried to catch her breath _"well, she just told me something and I realized I kinda know who you are. Still, don't think you remember me… but anyways, I just wanted to say I had no idea. If I would've known…"_ again, she took a much needed breath which he was thankful for, because somehow, he figured he didn't want to know the end of that sentence, plus, she seemed to have a motor-mouth or something._ "Seriously. I started working on Bethany's day care yesterday, and I left before you came to pick her up so I didn't see you, and you didn't see me… Gosh, worst ramble ever… So I'm just gonna do this…"_

He didn't know where it came from. God only knew he hadn't understood much of what she'd said other than the fact that Ruth was her sister and that she seemed really sincere about what she was trying to convey with the rush of words coming out of her mouth at an incredible speed. He didn't know when or how, he ended up with her head on the opposite shoulder of where Bethany's head lied, both her arms enveloping him, her right hand softly –and absently, like it was a habit of some sort- began playing with Bethany's curls while her left hand just gripped ever so slightly the skin on his back and the rest of his body was filled with an incredible sense of warmth wherever her body made contact with his, for the first time in a really long time. Both her arms outstretched trying to pull the both of them closer to her while she just breathed in and out, made him feel an unfamiliar tingle, a white peace that was certainly out of his every-day-routine. He was suddenly unaware of the fact that they were in an elevator, that he'd just met her and that, from the looks of it, this had to be one of the most unstable women on the face of the planet, considering how she seemed to change emotions every time the clock marked that a minute had passed… but strangely enough he didn't care.

For the first time, he just didn't care.

The only thing registering in his brain was the fact that Bethany seemed to be falling asleep because of the way she was playing with her hair, that he was only able to feel the beat of her heart against his chest, and that he seemed to be finding himself closing his eyes at her embrace, so full of peace, so full of calm…

So full of… being alive.

He didn't know how long it lasted, or the reason why she'd done it, all he would remember from that moment, just like all he would remember from Marissa nowadays were her eyes, was how he and Bethany seemed to surrender to this… _stranger_ who still managed to make him curious, even if said curiosity was still making him feel a little annoyed and a little like a cheater.

All he would know now too was how, when she pulled away, he felt a sigh and a sound tore itself in the silence, and he looked down at his side to Bethany to see if she was ok, and that's when he realized the sound had come from him.

She smiled sincerely at him while her eyes clashed with his, eyes so different in so many ways from the ones he'd seen every time his eyes wandered to a dark space, eyes that looked much like the sunrise did when it rose from the vast blue ocean… so filled with… a feeling of home and… muffled silence. Eyes that didn't ask a question and seemed to look for no answer, but instead seemed to read a hurtful and so powerful _"I know…"_

She turned her back to press a button on the elevator in complete silence, another contrast he found himself studying against his better judgment. This girl had to be the most contradictory enigma known to mankind… how she could go from rambling obsessively to making you wish she was talking all the way while leaving you speechless.

It was only when she was getting out of the elevator that he found himself speaking, kinda like a few minutes earlier where he couldn't react no matter how hard he'd try, speaking fairly out loud saying the same _"Hey!"_ that had slipped earlier too… which only softened when she turned back at the speed of light and put a finger on her mouth to make him talk lower, while she pointed to Bethany's sleeping form on his shoulder.

"_It's Taylor…"_ she muttered under her breath taking a little step closer to where he was, still immobile… _"My name's Taylor…"_

And she disappeared from his sight.

A long sigh escaped his body as he rested his back against the cold wall of the elevator, his eyes staring out to nowhere and the place where she'd been standing all at the same time.

He couldn't remember a time where things had been more different than how they had been that morning…

All because this endless night and darkness he'd found himself barely surviving in, had possibly found its dawning day.

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	2. This Damn Betraying Hope

**Author's Note: **_And just when you'd thought I'd fallen of the face of the Earth, I do an update! Finally, I wrote the second chapter of this. As you can see, is shorter than my regular standards, but that's because I shortened it out. On the next one, you'll know more about this Taylor's AU story. I'm gonna beg you to review because, to be honest, I miss getting feedback on my writing. This is the first thing I write since I wrote the last chapter of TBR. (which will be updated soon enough... hopefully), and I miss it. So hopefully this isn't so rusty. I love you all guys!! Thanks for reading!_

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"_**The Dawning Day"**_

**Chapter Two.**

"**This Damn Betraying Hope"**

Five minutes till noon. The clock on the wall ticked away and second after second, his knuckles became a little whiter. Tick after tick he squeezed the yellow stress ball tighter and tighter, so much that he couldn't even feel the blood under his skin pounding away like it had just seconds ago.

This was routine… this guilt, this anticipation… this was how his life was supposed to run, and he actually felt a thrill course through his veins at the realization that this morning's… embrace… had finally stopped _affecting_ him and things had gone back to "normal".

He'd lived long enough to know that every beginning was an end waiting to happen and the only thing sure in his life was Bethany and her big blue eyes… so full of innocence that will someday doom him.

He couldn't fathom the possibility of living away from her. She was his only balance in this messed up life he'd chosen and every second spent away from her was an empty profound hole… a silence, blackness… one living torture he sure as hell deserved. But today, there had been something different… something else had filled the hole and had made it a little shallower, interrupting this eternal penitence he was supposed to fulfill for as long as he breathed.

Something hazel had done the trick… a damn betraying hope.

Because that was all hope was in the end right? Another chance to be heartbroken. He figured he had a lot of that already.

So here, staring at the clock, feeling the familiar rage and impatience eating him from inside out, he was glad all trace of faith was erased from his system and that the longing for it to be noon and spend lunch with his daughter was as strong and powerful… and –unhealthily – stable as it had been days before.

He lowered his gaze to the ball in his hands and it suddenly hit him, that he was partner in this big fancy architectural company… this was _his_ desk, _his_ big office, _his _damn torturing clock on the wall… what difference did it make if he went out to get lunch five minutes early?

He was about to stand up from his desk and go see the beautiful 18-month-old soul that always lightened up his… when he heard a knock on the door, followed by the creaking sound the door made as it opened just a little.

He sighed to himself in annoyance. He hated when people did that. What was the point in knocking the doors if the person behind them was just gonna come in anyways? That had always happened back in Newport. He lived in a pool house, a whole place separated from the mansion, and still… he couldn't get any privacy because people always faked politeness, knocked, and got inside anyway. Plus, he really needed to fix that creaking noise.

"_Um, I'm sorry… were you… busy?"_

Somewhere along the way, he'd learned in physics class that two forces couldn't occupy the same space at the same time; and if you added the fact that the two forces were opposites… they were supposed to neutralize themselves. And still…all he could feel in his entire body was rage and peace… mixed together, both of them filling his heart with the same ticking sound on the wall. Rage because, as much as her voice was a whisper, it still had that freaking intoxicating chipper bubbly attitude from this morning… and peace, because… it was a whisper… and it was her voice.

He raised his head to see only her face showing in between the door's frame and the door, the rest of her body still behind it. She wasn't smiling… that much he could tell even though half of her buttery hair was cascading in her face and the light of her eyes barely showed any emotion. He wondered where the restless girl who wasn't afraid of him was, the one he'd seen in the parking lot… and the sharp rage picked a notch when he recognized in her eyes the damn sympathy everyone shot at him when they knew _she'd_ died. And even though the rage was so much he felt a yell building up in his throat… he felt himself loosening his grip on the stress ball and barely cocking an eyebrow in response to her question.

Rage and peace… were filling the same space.

The second she saw his excuse of a response, she smiled… he waited for the conflicted swerve of emotions to hit him… but this time it didn't. He couldn't figure out why.

"_Well, then, my timing is impeccable, as always…"_ her voice was still a whisper – a too animated whisper that he found himself studying against his own will… much like this morning.

And then the rest of her body came in the office.

She was holding his daughter so effortlessly, it seemed like she was waltzing into the room, dazzling him with every move as it made Bethany's curls sway back and forth as her little head hung in Taylor's shoulder… the baby's sleeping form stealing his breath away.

"_She's… asleep?"_ he managed to choke out. To which she replied shushing him and holding _his_ daughter possessively within her arms.

As he saw that, his parenting instincts kicked in.

He slowly closed the gap between them and extended his arms ever so slightly to pick up his daughter. He'd done this countless times before whenever Summer, Kirsten or Julie would be holding her and Bethany would fall asleep; and even though he could very well get a masters in the art of holding his daughter, she would seem to know the difference between his dad's arms and the arms of the rest of the world, she would wake up and fall back asleep. But as both his aching hands finally touched the essence of his life and placed it on his shoulders, disconnecting her from this mysterious girl… the only thing the baby did was breathe in and out as before and the rest of her little body continued to be motionless.

She didn't wake up.

"_She fell asleep a while ago, and after this… morning"_ he glanced back at her with the corner of his eyes and she looked down. _"I thought you'd want to spend lunch with her"_

He kept on walking slowly to the other side of the room where he had a playpen with all of Bethany's favorite stuffed animals and lay his still sleeping daughter down in it.

She breathed in and out… but she didn't wake up.

Now it wasn't rage… although maybe a little… but it was more shock and peace now what was struggling inside him

Who was this woman?

"_Taylor… is it?"_ he looked over his shoulder and he saw her tense up a bit because of the volume on his voice. He knew why. The tone was normal and she didn't want to wake Bethany up, but if she hadn't woken up by now… she wasn't going to.

"_Yeah?"_ her tone was still low but it had some sort of annoyance. She really cared about his daughter… like he did. And even though he couldn't explain it, he wanted to calm her annoyance.

"_It's okay… she's not going to wake up"_

"_Really?"_ surprised colored her tone as she furrowed her eyebrows not quite believing it.

"_Really"_

"_Oh… okay"_ she smiled and nodded, the same embarrassment as this morning on her face. For a flash second the only word that came to mind to describe that, was adorable…

And there was the rage again.

"_You're right"_ she waved a hand at him _"You're her dad so you should know, I'm sorry"_

He wasn't sure if the rage of finding her adorable and the thought of admiring her for what she'd just done were going to be controllable. His whole body tensed up and he was quite aware she'd noticed because of the way her shoulders raised and her eyes became cold; probably just a reflection of his own.

"_Thanks… for bringing her"_ Coldness and anger.

"_Sure"_ One syllable filled with countless hope.

Damn it!

She turned around to leave the office, finishing this emotional contest inside him… when she turned around again. How dare she do this to him? Was life not hard enough as it was?

"_Oh! I almost forgot"_ she raised a brown paper bag she'd apparently had on her free hand all this time and he hadn't noticed. His daughter was far more important so it didn't bother him.

"_What?"_ the annoyance in his tone was evident and her eyes narrowed. He normally didn't care about what people could think of his rage and anger management but when she mumbled to herself a sarcastic _"Wow, um"_ he knew he was being far too rude…

And there was the guilt again. But she continued…

"_Since Bethany was asleep and I thought you'd want to spend your lunch with her, you weren't going to leave her here alone… so I took the liberty of going to the restaurant across the street and buying you a sandwich… well two sandwiches"_

Okay, now he was stunned… she'd bought him lunch just so he would stay with his kid? Who the hell was she?

"_I figured I don't know you, know you…"_ she took his surprise and shock for confusion and kept on talking _"So I bought a roast beef sandwich, you look like a roast beef kinda guy, and a turkey sandwich, just in case I was wrong"_

Stunned silence… she kept on going.

"_I figured I had to make this morning right somehow, so hopefully this does the trick… if it doesn't, then I'll have to figure some other way to make you not hate me"_ she gestured with her hands in between them, obviously referring to the annoyed "what?" and to his coldness since she opened the door.

"_So… since it's clearly not working, I'll have to figure something else out some other time… enjoy your lunch"_ and she turned around to leave.

His stomach formed countless knots in dread of her words. She was going to keep reaching out to him like this? Trying to be nice, bringing him hope… the damn betraying hope from this morning, day and again? She was going to keep being the stubborn girl who didn't care how rude he was to her, and was going to keep finding ways to 'make that morning right'? He couldn't let her! He needed her out of his life!

Right?

He should've been happy when she reached for the door knob. He should've been happy that her stubborn/upbeat personality was finally going away so he could watch his daughter during this whole hour. But, for some reason… he couldn't take watching her leave. He couldn't watch another person leave.

"_Lunch is fine"_ he said, and it was enough to make her stop.

She simply turned around a little and smiled, nodded and said "_Okay"_. She didn't seem to be interested in making him talk…

Peace.

"_I don't hate you"_

"_Okay"_ she smiled again. And instead of trying to leave like before, she just walked across his desk and sat down on the chair, and began pulling both sandwiches out of the bag.

She was staying…

Anger.

He couldn't watch her leave, but in his book, that didn't exactly meant he wanted her to stay. So far, all he'd seen about her was that she rambled alone more than Seth and that she seemed to be a riddle too cryptic for him to even try to solve her. That was annoying. Not because he couldn't solve her… but because he wanted to try.

That's why he needed her to leave.

"_What are you doing?"_ he asked, his brow furrowed, but ironically sitting opposite her on the desk.

"_You said lunch was fine, so we're having lunch"_ was her answer and it seemed so… simple. Obvious. Damn it, this girl and her ways!

"_I didn't mean it was fine having lunch with you, I meant bringing Bethany and bringing me lunch was enough to 'make it right'"_ his tone was almost harsh… but she kept doing what she was doing, settling a sandwich in front of him.

"_Regardless…"_ she smiled and he sighed. He wasn't winning this.

"_Look at it this way"_ she said joining her hands together _"the sooner you finish that sandwich, the sooner I'll right my wrong and I'll be out of your way. Because that's what you want right? So eat up"_ she pushed the plastic container with a sandwich to his side of the desk.

She spoke with such control and politeness, not at all caring that she'd realized his internal battle and that she thought he hated her. If she was mad just like this morning in the parking lot, he couldn't tell; she would be great at playing poker. He couldn't deny the power battle inside him, but he couldn't admit a small –very small- part of him wanted her there.

"_I don't even know you so, I don't hate you"_ he repeated.

"_Oh I know"_ she said in a tone that was a little too cocky.

"_What's that supposed to mean?"_

"_You're defensive and overprotective by nature"_ she stated, as she opened the plastic container to start eating the sandwich. She was too calmed, and he was too worked up. Still he did his best to not show it for once.

He breathed in and dressed up his face with the politeness he'd learned from the Newpsies as he took a bite of his sandwich and said: _"Who are you? Dr. Phil?"_

She smiled, and it wasn't faked… she was too peaceful; too cryptic…Anger was overcoming the peace now. _"Sarcasm… wow, I'm actually Dr. Taylor Townsend Thank you very much"_

His eyes widened… great… he had someone psychoanalyzing him now.

"_But don't worry…"_ she said after swallowing a bite _"That's not how I know"_ And she was a mind-reader also apparently.

She was confusing!

She seemed to notice his confusion and sighed… then she pointed at a picture frame he had on his desk and said: _"In that picture, with Bethany, the brunette who's holding her… Her name's… Autumn…?"_

"_Summer…"_ he smiled, even if he didn't know why _"You know her?"_

"_Oh right! Summer Roberts! Yeah, a thousand lifetimes ago, I knew her…"_

That line shouldn't have hit a nerve… but it did. Once it did, it should've made him mad… but it didn't. It just raised another feeling completely foreign. So foreign, it felt like he hadn't lived it his whole life.

Curiosity.

And it only became monstrously big when he was forced to remember some of her ramble this morning as she continued, her eyes sparkling underneath her lashes:

"_I also knew you."_


	3. Watching The Walls Crumble Down

**Author's Note: **_Ah! Two updates for two different stories all in the same day! How wonderful lol! Here's the next installment of What's becoming one of my favorite fics to write. Um, nothing much to say on this AN's as I'm a little down right now, so please just read and review. Next on the update list: Show me What True Love is. _

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**Dedication of this chapter in particular: **_To everyone who reads and finds walls in their lives, walls that don't let you go where you want to go, walls that separate you from someone, walls that pain has caused... Someday, somehow... you're gonna watch them crumble down into dust. As screwed up as hope is... we can't just let it go. _

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"**The Dawning Day"**

**Chapter Three**

"**Watching The Walls Crumble Down"**

She raised her head and found him staring at her with his sandwich near his mouth as if he'd been stopped short right before biting it, his expression somewhere between confused and just… blank. She furrowed her brow in confusion as well, trying to figure out what the hell she'd said that had him staring at her as if he was mad or… shocked… or as if she was dressed in a big carrot costume or something.

There was something about the way he was looking at her that made her swallow as if her throat was about to be cut off. It wasn't a deep stare or a menacing one like all the others he'd sent her way in the short time she'd been here, and it wasn't an angry one like the one she'd seen in the parking lot… there was something else about those blue eyes that turned some other color on the edges that made her nervous. Boy, he was easy to look at, and in Taylor Townsend's book, being easy on the eyes and making her nervous wasn't necessarily a good thing. For him, it was good of course, you know, to be hot and all… For her… that was another story.

She swallowed thickly once more _"What?"_

"_Nothing"_ he said tearing his eyes away, but still hiding a question behind his attempt of shaking it off.

Okay she was definitely nervous now. She usually didn't let people get under her skin, because she was Taylor 'I-can-take-care-of-myself' Townsend, but there had been something about the way he'd been staring at her just a second ago that made her ridiculously nervous. And even when he'd stopped staring at her it only managed to make her even _more_ nervous because if people stared at you for too long, it was either because a) there was something they were wondering or b) because you looked funny.

She scanned her words once again, and couldn't find anything that could have him upset. She'd done her best to seem polite even if it was clear he didn't want her sitting across his desk and she hadn't said anything that would require a question or that would catch him off guard. She double scanned her words since the second she got inside the office and… nothing.

Oh my God, did she have mayonnaise or ketchup on her face?

"_There's something on my face, isn't __there?"_ she mumbled as quickly as possible while she grabbed a napkin and tried to see her reflection on one of his portraits.

"_What?"_ he asked confused.

"_Did I get it off now, or do I still look like I've babysat kids for too long and forgotten how to eat properly?"_ she asked still cleaning up her face.

"_No, no, your face is okay"_ he said as he finally seemed to catch up on her ramble _"I was just thinking about something you said"_

"_Oh"_ she put the napkin aside in a cautions move, as if she was someone handling a bomb or something. _"Did I… say something wrong then?"_ she furrowed her brow and her nose wrinkled just slightly.

She watched him take in a deep breath. It didn't feel exhausted or frustrated like normal. It seemed as if the breath had just caught in his throat.

Once he settled his shoulders into the burdened position she'd always seen him in, he continued: _"You said you knew Summer…"_ the sentence seemed to hang, as if he was expecting her to get to the other half of what he was asking all by herself.

"_Oh!"_ she smiled a wide pearly smile that once again had him taking a big breath. _"Yeah! I knew her. See, I'm from Newport. Didn't I mention some of that in my ramble this morning? I could've sworn I had. Or maybe it was with Ruth… I told you I kinda knew who you were, didn't I?"_ she motioned towards him but before he could talk or attempt a response, she kept on talking to herself _"Not that you have to remember that ramble, I can totally understand if you tuned it off. Most of the people who hear me do. I have this thing where I ramble on a high frequency, those that only dogs can hear? It's kind of unnerving for the hearing sense…"_

"_Taylor?"_

"_Yeah…?"_ her tone was embarrassed.

"_Rambling on a high frequency"_ he said in an annoyed tone that for the first time since she'd seen him that morning, didn't match his face because he was half smiling.

"_Sorry…"_ she felt her cheeks flush a scarlet tone as she looked down to the table for a second.

"_Yeah"_ Oh wow, did he actually flash a smile, a full smile? She felt another ramble building up but the air was kind of awkward. He took another big breath, shrugged his shoulders, and became a little uptight again _"So…"_

"_Oh!"_ she was nervous, so totally nervous _"yeah, I'm from Newport"_

"_Yeah, but Ruth's from San Diego…"_ he said as he pointed and traced circles in the air with his right index finger _"And you did say you were her sister?"_ He could remember that one vaguely, she did cram a lot of words into one sentence at an unbelievable speed.

She had to smile at that one.

"_So that means you didn't tune off completely?"_

"_That was all that I caught really"_ he shrugged.

She tucked a lose strand of hair behind her ear while she watched him take another bite of his sandwich.

"_Ruth's from San Diego, I was born and bred in Newport… sadly"_ she added while she grabbed another bag she'd brought with her and took out a bottle of water _"I usually only eat with water, but I got you a coke, is that okay?"_

He seemed to be a little distraught by her multi-tasking skills and how she switched topics all of a sudden. But rarely, he seemed to be relaxing and chose to do the same as her _"Coke is fine… sadly? Why?"_

"_Here you go"_ she extended the coke to him and proceeded to open her bottle _"Well, Newport isn't a place from where I have good memories really… maybe only one or two"_ she shook her head slightly as her expression became a little nostalgic and almost hurt. He felt his stomach sink at the sight of it, even if he didn't know why. _"Plus, Queen Bitch lives there, which is the reason why I left really… partially."_ She smiled to herself for a second and mumbled _"Sorry"_

"_For what?"_ he took a sip of his coke, seemingly interested in her, not like he was asking just to ask… he really wanted her to answer apparently.

"_Nothing… I guess part of me still cringes when I call my own mother a bitch"_ she said with a smile but it was obvious she wished she could say it with a straight face, or not say that at all.

"_Did she… kick you out or something?"_ he did his best to try and replay in his memory a parent who had kicked out a girl or someone who had sent a kid to "boarding school" or "Europe" during the time he'd lived there…even if remembering Newport wasn't all that pleasant for him either.

"_What? No, she wouldn't have done that in a million years. Newport was the only place where she was considered as 'high elite' because there, no one knew her kid was product of her playing Diane Lane in 'Unfaithful'. So she wouldn't have kicked me out… scar me emotionally? That was another story; but kick me out? not so much"_

"_Ah, I see"_ he nodded, trying to appear uninterested but she was able to read, just like before, that he was really listening, not pretending to do so, but actually listening to her. _"I guess I know why Ruth's from San Diego now"_

"_Bingo…"_ she pointed a finger at him _"See? You can solve crimes mister. With my dad married, and his wife willing to forgive him for having an affair for Ruth's sake and because she actually loved him, I didn't have another shot but to stay with Mommy Dearest. This really didn't pan out well since she was all fake boobs, big on the torturing not so much with the nurturing. "_

She watched him wince at the comment; she guessed trying to picture it. _"Geez, who was your mom?"_

"_Veronica Townsend __ring any bells?"_ she said shooting her eyebrows high in her forehead while she waited for his reaction. She almost heard the loud 'click' of the wheels rolling around in his brain as he visualized the only woman who could have the title of bitch and deserve it more than Julie Cooper.

"_Oh… yeah…"_ he spaced the two words, still not showing much emotion on his features. _"She tried to kick me out of school once…"_

"_See my point?"_ she smiled, and again, it gave him the impression that she wished she didn't have to say that about her own mother.

She took another big breath before settling the bottle down on the desk slowly, as if debating to continue or not. _"It was hard living with someone who constantly told you you were a mistake caused by a combination of vodka and a broken condom, but I endured it as the tough person I am"_ she straightened her clothes and for a moment, for a single second she almost looked like a Newpsie… like a girl who was pretending to be okay just so no one else would notice. _"Until, for mental health issues, my dad dragged me out of there, and I went to live with him, his wife and Ruth when I was sixteen"_

That got to him. It didn't matter all the ways he'd tried to not feel anything for her, once he heard that, it was impossible to not let it affect him. Not because her mom was a bitch and he wanted to protect her, she seemed like the kind of girl who could fend for herself, and not because he wanted to kill Veronica Townsend for making her feel unloved or simply because she was a bitch of epic proportions… but because she was like _him_. At age 16, someone had dragged her from her habitat, and had placed her somewhere that was almost… surreal for her.

He felt a question building up on his tongue… and he'd stopped paying attention to how weird it was for _him_ to be asking _her_ stuff a while back in the conversation. She'd unleashed a devastating curiosity in him since the second she'd mentioned Summer, and even when she'd deviated from the subject… he was almost afraid to say he was fascinated by her either way.

"_Was that… awful?"_ he furrowed his brow a bit while he took the last bite of his sandwich and after he swallowed he continued _"Moving with your dad, and your dad's wife?"_

"_I guess I thought it would be traumatic… given the circumstances in which I ended up there…__"_ she wasn't even half way finished her sandwich yet. Like all of the sudden she'd lost her appetite. That was one of the other things he'd noticed against his own will. It still annoyed him though. _"I mean, I expected Kayla to hate me just like my mom had. I mean, I was the reason why her marriage had almost split. But she was… nice to me. She really cared for me after… she really cared for me."_ He even noticed how she seemed to remember something and shoved it to the side so she wouldn't have to talk about it. He made a mental note about that. _ "Even though Kayla isn't my blood mom, when I graduated high school, college… she always said 'I'm so proud of my daughter'. And I could always say 'That's my mom'. She really was what I needed you know? And my dad was always interested in my life, even when I was in Newport. He would send me letters and we would talk on the phone… I knew Ruth from pictures he sent me even before I went to live there… It was awkward at first, but they made sure of making me part of their family by the first two months I was there"_

He gave her another smile… this one perhaps more genuine than any other he'd flashed. They were similar… not only them, but the families that had taken the both of them in.

"…_kind of like the Cohen's were to you I think"_ she gave him a 'isn't that what you wanted to know in the first place' kind of look.

"_Yeah, I was thinking just that"_ he said simply _"Can I ask you something?"_ it felt weird, to _want_ to know something about someone at this moment. Was she melting his walls with just this conversation?

"_Sure, ask away"_

"_You said you knew me…"_ again, the sentence hung as if he was waiting for her to conclude what he wanted.

"_That's not a question"_ she offered.

"_How did you know me?"_ he asked, a little ticked off maybe because she'd made him ask the question.

She grabbed the bottle off the table again, and took a sip not meeting his eyes. He found himself unwillingly seeking for eye contact but when she looked him right on his blue orbs and still said nothing, he found himself getting all worked up over the peace just like before.

"_Aren't you gonna answer me?"_ he asked directly.

"_I said you could ask… I didn't say I would answer, what's the fun in that?"_ her expression was almost smug.

"_I suppose you're not gonna tell me what it is you remembered just now and avoided talking about either"_ he asked, his voice blank.

"_See? Natural for solving crimes and mysteries"_ she simply answered. _"I can tell you how I know Summer, and Seth too… and all the people who were in Newport in 2003 though, if you want to know that."_

"_So you moved not long after I got there?"_ he asked while he drank the last of his coke.

"_Two months after I think… two or three months"_ she smiled. _"It makes sense for you to not remember me, I wasn't a familiar face."_

It wasn't that she didn't want to tell him just for the sake of _not telling him_. It was that she really didn't think it was appropriate to talk about it since he didn't seem at ease in his own skin with her yet. She knew that somehow, he was still dealing with the loss of Bethany's mom or with raising Bethany on his own, so the story of how she knew him wasn't something that was going to help him not hate her or be comfortable around her… and that was the whole purpose of this lunch. She loved Bethany, she was a nice baby girl and in order to spend more time with her, she needed to make her dad know that it was okay to be around her, that in spite of her rambles and the fact that she often talked to herself, Taylor was a balanced person who could take care of his daughter. So she couldn't tell him how they'd met… not yet.

"_You can ask anything else though"_ she offered almost as consolation, as a peace offering since she already knew he might've been mad. _"Just not that… not yet…"_

"_Fair enough"_ he practically growled. _"How come you're a babysitter in an architectural company if you're 'Dr Townsend'?"_ was that sarcasm? Pissed off sarcasm?

Yep. He was definitely retreating to barely civil politeness now. _"Um wow… that mood swing was one I didn't see coming"_ she mumbled to herself.

"_I'm sorry…"_ she raised her head to see him rubbing his temples and with his eyes closed _"For some reason, it comes easy to be rude to you"_

"_Thanks… I guess?"_ she answered with a smile.

"_It's hard to explain… it just gets to me"_ his tone sounded forced. As if he didn't want to talk about it. And she didn't really want to make him talk either so, it was fine when he continued in just one breath _"How come you and Ruth are here in a Daycare?"_

"_Well… our dad's a psychologist, and Ruth took that path. She's a pediatrics psychologist… or something along those __lines; it comes so natural for her to be around kids that she climbed the ladder and ended up being in charge here at this big fancy company being just twenty four years old. Me, however, well I'm a psychologist yeah, but that's not what I do really. I was a social worker at the county hospital but I stopped working there recently and my sister put me to work here about a month ago."_

"_I thought you said you'd just started working here yesterday"_ he said confused.

"_No, I said I'd started working on Bethany's day care yesterday. __This building has two daycares remember?"_ she showed two fingers as if she was teaching him how to count. It was annoying and slightly endearing.

"_Oh"_ he prolonged the sound as if he was a kid learning to count. _"I hadn't thought about that"_

"_Yeah, well, Ruth always talked about her, and before Jason came to pick us up at 5:30 I would swing by Bethany's daycare, I would play with her and talk to her… so now that I'm working where she is, it's that much… easier I guess"_ she stole a glance to the playpen where she still lay asleep, breathing calmly. _"She's a really special kid"_

"_Yeah, she is"_ he sounded like a proud dad… it came across as almost happy.

They both stayed in silence for a second, both of them watching the baby breathe in and out, her beautiful eyes closed as she slept, feeling so connected by the silence drowning them. It felt… peaceful.

"_So… who's Jason?"_ he was the one to break the silence with another question that he really seemed interested in knowing about.

Maybe it was that he wanted to know if she was single, even if that didn't make a difference in his book.

"_Oh, he's my little brother. We're three. Ruth's the oldest, just a year older than me, there's me, obviously, and then there's Jason… he's twenty. The three of us live in the same apartment so…"_

"_Isn't he in school? He's __only twenty"_

"_Yeah, but he's always been sort of… different I guess. He wasn't big on the moving __out on your own idea when he applied to Berkeley, and since Ruth had a job offer, the three of us ended up here about a year and a half ago… it's us against everything else"_

It was that comment what seemed to bring him to reality. Maybe it was the fact that she'd said 'a year and a half ago' with a sense of undisturbed calm when for him, that same phrase came with a pang of guilt and fear for his daughter. It felt weird now to be talking to her, to feel so curious about her, about the things she wasn't willing to disclose and the things she was disclosing, when he knew he wasn't allowed to wonder all that stuff… not with what had happened a year ago because he hadn't been able to love the mom of his child.

It made it too… hard if he tried to make a friendship with someone, it didn't matter if she loved Bethany as much as him… if it was someone who was similar to him in a lot of ways, or if the fact that she was endearing and was hiding something from him made it all that much worse. He couldn't have her in his life… there was no hope for him.

"_Oh look!"_ she said looking at the clock on the wall _"It's almost 1 already. I should be heading back"_

"_You haven't even finished your sandwich"_ his voice came out as a pleading. Didn't he _want_ her to leave?

"_I eat terribly slowly. Something about being the middle child"_ she stood up from the chair with a smile. _"I'll finish eating it later on"_ She went to grab her purse but then looked back at the play pen where Bethany was still asleep. _"I guess I can come pick her up in a while, or leave her here the rest of the day if you want that too… I didn't really give you much time with her, which was the product of this whole thing"_

"_I thought the whole purpose of this was to make me not hate you"_

"_I am aware that I stole some father/daughter time this morning, hence why I think you hate me"_ she answered. _"You can stay with her as long as you like… you can call Ruth or me, or any of the other girls to come pick her up if your day gets too busy"_

She grabbed her purse, the leftover of her sandwich and her water bottle as she made her way to the door. He wasn't sure what it was… but there was just something about _her_ that made it difficult to watch her leave. In spite of his best efforts, of his mood swings… of her rambles… her voice and presence had some sort of anesthesia that made time seem… irrelevant. He wasn't able to remember a single hour of his day when he hadn't wanted to be with his daughter alone, but somehow the combination of Bethany being all peaceful in the play pen and the way Taylor's words rushed out of her tongue made it all… easier. Bearable… was he really able to let that go? Was he really able to let – he felt a knot on his throat as he forced himself to think the word – her go?

"_You know… Taylor?_ _You can make me not hate you tomorrow at noon too… if you want"_

He watched her beam and light up as her shoulders relaxed… he assumed it was because she'd finally seen he didn't hate her. And he also watched her tuck another strand of hair behind her ear, something she'd done over their whole conversation and she hadn't even noticed. It seemed like a nervous habit… maybe he was making her nervous.

She smiled one last time and nodded okay before closing the door and leaving him with his daughter, realizing the answer to his own question… as screwed up as hope was…

No, he wasn't able to let it – her - go.


End file.
